The fruits of reading Daring Greatly are plentiful and the one most sweet is a desire for living life wholeheartedly. Chapter upon chapter this desire has grown but then I heard an interview with Brene Brown and her statement made my heart skip a beat.
"Our capacity for wholeheartedness can never be greater than our willingness to be brokenhearted."
That is chilling! It is spot on true, but scary. I know nothing more vulnerable that being brokenhearted. Let me share just a few moments if my courage holds up.
The air was quiet and the halls were uncharacteristically still. I was in the engineering building at BYU on a Sunday evening and I was there to pray and ask for forgiveness. My spiritual life was in crisis and I felt too small and petty to go on thinking I was "all that". I wanted my inside to match what my outside was saying. I knelt on the hard linoleum and started to speak. What I felt was unexpected. A large wash of love enveloped me and left me breathless. I was talking to my Heavenly Father but the love was coming from Jesus. He loved me, and had loved me before, and would continue to love me, and I felt my heart break for not running to him sooner. All these years I had missed out on this amazing love. I wept until there was nothing left to weep for.
Years later, married with four children, we faced the untimely demise of our business. Having lost all the invested money from people who trusted us we faced no income and no job in the foreseeable future. I watched as my strong husband mourned his failure and I was scared and depressed. As my happiness melted away, my body showed signs of shutdown. I ran a low grade fever with no signs of infection. Each day seemed unbelievably slow and full of effort. My heart was breaking. One day a church acquaintance came to visit. She seemed uncomfortable coming into my bedroom where I rested.
"This is weird because I can't align the woman running the meeting last week with the person I see today. You are just like me, broken and a mess."
At that point she offered to massage my feet and I was too tired to object. A recognition gave over me. The Lord was propping me up even as I was falling apart. Here was a sister who wanted to admire me, who had seen a person buoyed up by the spirit and now recognized my weakness, but served with love as He would if He were here. I was as vulnerable as I could be, yet, there was a wholeness to this experience.
I have one more story, believe me there are many. Olea was born at home and her birth was quiet and perfect. One hour later everything changed. My daughter-in-law started to hemorrhage and within 10 minutes paramedics arrived to airlift her to the hospital. The midwife handed me my granddaughter and I gazed at this unsuspecting soul.
" What will I do with her?' I asked.
"She is in better shape than her mother."
The baby met my gaze and we bonded together, two completely vulnerable spirits. I finally started thinking and looked around to dress her for the first time. She was going to be going with Daddy to the hospital. I held her gently as we waited for the carseat to be found and then off she went. The house was still and I sat down to cry. I prayed.
Life went on and we are all mostly whole. Do you see why this idea is so scary?
"Our capacity for wholeheartedness can never be greater than our willingness to be brokenhearted."
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